Confusion
by Fleur06
Summary: This is between season 1 and season 2 continuing onto my season 2 What happens when Kerry is told something that can change her life how does she cope. This mainly is based on Kerry and her thoughts and views about what happens to her.
1. Chapter 1

This is something that has been going around in my mind it is between season 1 and 2. There has always been suggestions that something happened between Lawson and Kerry between the 2 seasons even though it was never shown.

This is more Kerry based than other characters Grace has died still.

Rated T for sex scenes and for later on.

OOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Hearing the doctors words I'm sorry she didn't need him to continue she knew what was coming, for weeks it was what she wanted wasn't it, now it had finally happened wasn't she meant to feel relieved instead she felt numb she felt nothing. The rest of the words from the doctor a blur all that remained was those two words I'm sorry.

Watching as he walks out a single tear falling down her cheek was it only 5 weeks ago that her world started to fall apart that she had kept the secret hidden, that she walked into the doctors surgery hoping against hope what she thought wasn't true that she was wrong, instead she heard that word, why did they all have to say that, he got it so wrong then and now this all happened. Rubbing her hand across her eyes wiping away the tears she was not going to break down she had kept it to herself all this time and she would keep it still.

….

**THREE MONTHS EARLIER. **

Sitting at the table the applicants spread out upon the table before them "we need a female to balance out the team" looking at Kerry "it can be too competitive with two females" shaking her head at Lawson "team balance".

Holding out one of the applicants "this one stands out she has done training with Special operations, negotiation training I think she will fit in well". Looking at the folder Kerry gave him the name standing out Shannon Henry, closing it, grabbing another folder reading it "there are a few good candidates here, I still think another male" shaking her head her voice firm " there is too much male testosterone as it is, it is a female that is non negotiable" picking up the folder "you haven't even read anything about her" looking up at Lawson "do you know her?" shaking his head he wouldn't admit it "you know what special ops people are like" a smirk on her face "already trained someone you can't turn into what you want" giving a small laugh at her "this coming from someone who has no idea of what being part of a team is, do I have to remind you" rolling her eyes at him "we had the best possible outcome with Bobby, it wouldn't hurt you to admit that …. And I am never wrong" picking up the folder with Shannon's name on it "this time you are, I don't think she is the right person, there are plenty of applicants there" raising her eyes at Lawson walking over to the bench grabbing the bottle of wine.

Rubbing her hands over her eyes the bottles of wine nearly empty not much closer to agreeing or making a decision, this shouldn't be taking so long picking up the folder "I am going to call Shannon Henry for an interview" shaking his head he can't tell Kerry the truth. Leaning towards Lawson she is going to find out why he didn't want the best out of all of them "unless you give me one good reason why you don't want her on the squad, why don't you want to even meet her, do you know what she is like, have you met her before?" looking at Kerry he can't tell her the truth he didn't want Shannon on the squad "yes I have met her before, and she isn't someone you want on the squad" seeing here blue eyes staring into his the intensity she has in them a small smile on her face, he could imagine what she is thinking and probably not far off, damn her "why?, her resume is good and I think she will be a good fit in this team" shaking his head at her "don't say I didn't warn you" looking at Lawson sitting near her "let's just see what she is like" shrugging damn her, she always got her own way "as long as you interview more than her"

Bringing over another bottle of wine, why was Lawson disagreeing on Shannon, there was something there, his ex girlfriend as much as she wants to find out more not pushing it, rubbing her hand across her face bringing her arms back "this shouldn't take this long I'll make a short list and we'll start interviewing them in a couple of days and Shannon is going to be on that list" looking at Kerry even in casual clothes her hair hanging loosely down to her shoulders dressed casually she was attractive there was something between them that neither had acted on even if she was infuriating shaking his head how much had he to drink, a smile on his face "After you have interviewed Shannon and others you will see I am right and there is someone better for the job than her" raising her eyes at him "I am never wrong Lawson you on the other hand"

Putting the folders back on the table putting her feet up on the coffee table pouring herself more wine, handing Lawson a glass "Gracie was a bloody good officer, if there was only something different we could of done that day" Glancing at Kerry he knew her death had hit her hard "none of us knew about that second bomb, there were so many weird things happening that day" shrugging staring straight ahead that was no excuse she was the team leader and had failed her team "maybe we should have, we are an elite team it was all a bit too easy"

The bottle empty walking to the fridge leaning down having a look, feeling Lawson behind her "I'm going now" closing the door looking up at him nodding his face so close to hers "see you tomorrow"

Looking at Kerry she was attractive and there was something simmering there for a while, seeing her eyes trained on his, searching his, scanning through them, neither of them moving. As if in slow motion their mouths moving towards each other as their lips find each other.

Feeling arms draped across her chest wrapped tightly around her opening her eyes up slowly memories of the night before flooding through a smile on her face turning around slowly facing Lawson feeling his hands on her stomach looking up at him seeing his eyes meeting hers as his lips come down to meet hers her arms wrapping around his neck pulling him closer to her.

Lying on the bed a few hours later feeling Lawson stroking the top of her head the sheets in a mess barely covering them turning to face him resting on her elbows "do you want me to go" staring into his eyes shaking her head she didn't' want him to go her voice soft "no I want you to stay" seeing a smile on his face as she leans down to kiss him.

Glancing at Kerry's clock his eyes widening "all of this has made me hungry. Fancy something to eat, I'll go and get us something" sitting up next to him "we can order something in" his eyes looking at Kerry hungrily "then dessert" smiling at Lawson "or we can start with dessert" feeling his arms around her pulling her towards him "I like the sound of that"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooo

Hearing the alarm go off turning to face Lawson a smile on her face, he had spent the whole weekend at her house, the memories there, getting up briefly to eat and have a shower before ending up back in bed again. Looking up at Lawson reaching for his lips "you need to go, or you will be late" feeling Kerry's lips upon her "Think I will be late" feeling Kerry's hands on his chest pushing him gently away "Lawson, get out of here" getting up "I need a shower anyway" seeing the hopeful look on his face "go" walking over kissing him quickly "I'll see you at work"

Leaning against the shower feeling the water running over her, what is she doing, the past 3 nights amazing, was it more, was it anything more than a fling, was it the start of anything, they hadn't discussed it they hadn't talked much at all, it was wonderful what was going to happen now.

Walking into the locker room a spring in his step, the last 3 nights amazing, never did he think when he went around to Kerry's on the Friday night that this would happen. Closing his locker turning around seeing Stella watching him "Good weekend hey Lawson" smile on his face not answering her he felt alive was it the start of something, did she want more, a smile on his face he know he does to see where it goes.

Looking at her phone buzzing Lawson's name flashing up on her screen, she had purposely arrived later as she didn't want to see him before work, opening up the message a smile on her face.

Hearing Lawson's phone buzz again turning to look at him a smile on Stella's face "who is sending you all these messages, Lawson has a girlfriend" a small smile on his face not giving anything away would he call Kerry his girlfriend he had no idea, all he knew was he wanted to spend more time with her and see where it went.

Hearing Kerry's phone buzz again looking around at her "who's sending you all these messages" raising her eyes at him a smile on her face she did want to be with Lawson again did he want more was it only sex or was it leading to something more


	2. Chapter 2

Sitting at the desk in the communications room, looking at the screen seeing the team appear on it, Lawson there, he had come over again and had dinner and spent the night together confusion there did she want more did she want a relationship with him she was his superior in charge of Tactical Response, what would happen if anyone found out the team higher up, would one of them have to leave, did she want to ruin what they already had, she had feelings for him nearly since they met there was something there and she had wanted something to happen now it had, what now, she didn't even want to go out in public well she did want to go out but what if someone saw them caught them together would they even last she was going through a divorce.

Hearing her phone beep seeing Leon turn around on his seat looking at her "who's the mystery guy who keeps texting you" raising her eyes at him "what" seeing him not moving "you phone beeps every day Kerry my guess is a new guy" rolling her eyes at him "if only you spent as much time doing your job as you do sticking your nose in where it doesn't count" turning his chair around "I'm hurt Kerry by that" shaking her head looking down at the message was she leading him on, what did she want if truth be told she had no idea. Fiddling with her hands would she just end up getting hurt again they couldn't hide it for ever would one of them be made to leave her eyes moving side to side the screen in front of her might as well be blank looking at the message from Lawson a smile on her face he was sweet but there was so much more to it.

OOOOOOoooooooooooooooooo

Hearing his phone remain silent, seeing Stella glance at him "what no reply she already over you" glancing at Stella did it mean anything shaking his head slightly no she was busy that was all it was "piss off Stel" seeing the smile on her face "how long has it been you and this mystery woman" his eyes moving to her "you always this nosey" shrugging "just passing time if you didn't keep on texting the whole day or checking your phone I wouldn't" shaking his head "just drive Stel" his eyes ahead was he texting her too much the fact was he liked her and a lot did it matter she was his superior was there something happening, he could only hope.

OOOOOOoooooooooooooooooo

Walking into her apartment tossing her bag onto the counter, grabbing a glass of wine, maybe she should of told Lawson she was leaving early it was easier this way if she didn't see him before she or he left, her resolve would start to falter she had to think away from work, rubbing her hands over her face she was tired it was a good tired but she needed to think and rest. Hearing her phone ring she knew who it was, as easy as it was to leave it, she knew he would be over her if he did, hanging up it was easier to say she had a shit load of work to do, as piss weak excuse as it was she did, as much as she wanted him over she needed to think clearly without him around to clear her head could she let him go to not kiss him again to make love to him again she liked the company and despite his annoying features at work there was something about him something that had drawn her to him all this time that she had wanted to sleep with him but never thought she would she wasn't good enough for him he deserved better someone he could have an open relationship with to put it simply someone other than her anyone would be better than her she would just end up hurting him.

Driving back to base looking around the car already gone, she hadn't replied to his text message until later much later a quick message of a sorry another time and a smiley face he wanted to speak to her to see what was happening, getting back to base as soon as he can, but her car was gone, walking casually into the communications room "Kerry around?" seeing as Leon turns around shaking his head "nah she left a while ago" his eyes not moving "left where?" watching as Leon turns back to the screen "my guess is she has gone home" walking out of the room hearing Leon's voice "she said she was on her mobile if it was important"

Hanging up the phone the conversation quick, did she even want to talk to him did she really have work to do, she usually stayed back at base doing it, maybe he should just turn up at her house surprise her with dinner she needed to eat.

OOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo

Opening the door the surprise on her face she should of known that he couldn't take a hint "what are you doing here" seeing him hold up a plastic bag "bringing you dinner, you still need to eat I'll go as soon as you have eaten" shaking her head he had a sweetness about him underneath his smart arse a smile on her face "I'll get the plates"

Shaking his head "I'll get it ready, finish what you are doing" going back to her computer what was she meant to say that she had already finished it all, it was an excuse not to see him. Typing away there was still a couple of reports she could do and send that could of waited, looking up at him in the kitchen he deserved better than her, someone who could give him what he wanted she couldn't she didn't want anyone to see them together not that she was ashamed of him but she didn't want them to find out, did he want kids she had James and didn't want anymore shit they had only just started going out turning back to the computer closing her eyes opening them again the screen was a blur making no sense.

Hearing Lawson's voice "where do you want to eat" closing what she was doing getting up rubbing her eyes walking over to the lounge. Finishing the takeaway curling her legs up underneath her looking up at him as she leans closer to her "I'm falling in love with you Kerry" stiffening up slightly her eyes looking back at him "don't" feeling his fingers on her lips brushing across them, before feeling his lips upon hers as her arms wrap around his body despite trying to resist him she couldn't deep down she wanted him her heart overruling her head. Feeling his hands moving under her shirt before undoing it and her pants as her hands move to undo his clothes feeling his body pressed against hers all rational thoughts or any thoughts leaving her, the hunger and desire for Lawson over riding everything else.

Hearing the alarm go off, feeling Lawson's arms draped across her body holding her tight against his body they had made their way to bed the early hours of the morning, rolling over onto her back her eyes staring up at her ceiling what was she doing she should have had dinner and sent him home as rude as that was it was the right thing to do feeling his hands run across her face again before seeing him on his side looking into her eyes his arms reaching around pulling her towards him "we're going to be late" any words silenced by his mouth trying to say "Lawson" instead feeling his body on top of her.

Pushing him gently off her later on "get out of here or you will be late" a smile on his face leaning on his elbow "I could always phone in sick" shaking her head slightly gently hitting him feeling his hands grasp her arms pulling her down on the bed one hand staying firmly on her arm whilst the other hand moving down her body feeling his hand moving around giving in to him as a moan escapes her "Lawson" trying to say more before giving in to him

Watching him move away from her a while later as she lies on the bed getting her breathing under control leaning down whispering to her "something to remember during the day and keep you going until tonight" sitting up on the bed, could she lead him on was she leading him on, part of her didn't want to give him up wanted more and more to be with him to have more nights last night and this morning, to feel his touch again to make love to him again but reality was he could do much better than her. Walking towards the bathroom turning to face him at the door seeing a smile on her face "who's the one who's going to be late now Kerry" shaking her head slightly "I don't have a starting time, unlike some and I need a shower" raising his eyes at her "want me to join you I need one too" starting to close the door "no, if you leave now you can just manage one before your shift " closing the door once a smart arse always going to be one.

Feeling the water running over her what was she doing why can't she let him go she needs to tell him that they can't continue if only it was anyone else but Lawson she was just so bad at this.

OOOOOOOOooooooooooooo

Walking into base seeing one of the cars still there he should of left before now, walking into the locker room seeing Lawson and Stella and Michael still there "considering the time, I would of expected no one here" seeing all 3 look at her as Stella picks up her things "we were just leaving, Lawson just takes forever" her eyes moving to Lawson seeing them questioning her raising her eyes at him "what are you waiting for" seeing him shake his head moving out of the locker room her eyes following him screwing up her face slightly "damn" before rubbing her hands over her face sitting down on the table in the middle was she trying to get him to break up with her they had just spent an amazing night together no she was doing her job and Lawson wasn't going to be treated any different.

Hearing her phone beep a short while later, she knew who it was opening it up the message brief "what was that about" closing it up, they needed to talk she just wasn't good at having any talk about relationships what so ever.

Looking up from her cubicle seeing Lawson leaning against the door a small smile on her face her eyes looking around "you going to be finished soon" shaking her head "I'm going to be a while, got a shit load to do" walking closer to her "want me to come over later" rubbing her eyes looking up at him "I'm going to be here a while, don't know when I will be going home, I'll see you tomorrow" nodding at Kerry trying not to show his disappointment was she giving him the brush off, he thought they had a great time last night he was sure she enjoyed it "don't work too hard, I'll see you tomorrow"

Watching as he walks out, picking up the glass next to her she didn't have to be here, she had done all her work, it was easier this way, he wouldn't stay whilst she was at the base leaning back on the chair, she needs to speak to him to tell him it is over as tough and hard as she is as a policewoman she was hopeless at relationships.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo

Opening the door she knew who it was she had arrived late and left early, avoiding was better than having to make excuses she should of known though that he would come over, leaving the door open as Lawson follows her inside walking over grabbing her glass of wine before turning to face him "what's going on here Kerry?" her eyes moving around the room before facing on him "what do you mean?" watching as he walks over to her touching her arm "your avoiding me at work, yesterday morning, not answering my phone calls or texts, talk to me here" her eyes looking down slightly "yesterday morning, none of you should have been there, if you were waiting for me to arrive Lawson, this shouldn't affect your job" moving both hands to his shoulders "it isn't, what is this really about"

Moving away from him "this isn't going to work out, I can't do it" looking at Kerry "do what?" her eyes moving side to side before resting on him "this, whatever this is, I wish I could it just wouldn't work out between us" moving closer to her "how would you know you haven't even given this a chance" turning to face him her eyes fixed on him "we are so different" moving closer to her his voice soft "different can be good" shaking her head "we would just end up fighting" a small smile on his face "we already do" her eyes not moving from him "you know what I mean, I just can't risk it" moving closer to him finding his lips the kiss soft and gentle before moving away slightly feeling his hands on her face moving her hair away from her face his touch was so soft and gentle feeling her resolve weaken slightly shaking her head she has to be strong, it won't work out he needs someone better than her moving his hand away "don't, I think you should go"  
His eyes looking at Kerry she was breaking up with him, he had guessed something was happening avoiding his calls and texts he had hoped he could change her mind, he wanted to be with her "I can't change your mind" shaking her head, how she wished he could "its been good, but I can't have the team find out about us, I'm your superior your boss, you need someone you can take out, we can't do that I can't risk it" touching her arm "life is full of risks Kerry, I am happy with the way things are, we can do many things staying at home that we can't do out" a small smile forming on her face her voice soft "I'm so bad at this" moving away from him "don't" moving towards the bench facing him "Just go Lawson"

Looking at Kerry her back turned to him as she walks over to the bench he understands where she is coming from but wishes she would give them a go, his voice soft "you wouldn't regret it Kerry"

Picking up the glass of wine from the bench turning to Lawson "I'll see you tomorrow at work" watching as he walks out "the first interview is tomorrow afternoon, with the following ones the next 3 days" nodding at Kerry, he wished things had turned out differently, he did really like her a lot and had enjoyed the past week with her, her touch her body he had just wanted more and more of her. Walking over to her looking into her eyes leaning down to kiss her, the gentle kiss turning more passionate, feeling Lawson's hands move under her shirt before undoing her buttons, pushing him away from her "I can't do this Lawson, it's over you need to go now" moving away from him her eyes hardening watching as he walks to the front door "be back at base by 2 pm for the first interview"

Closing the door behind him had he hoped he could change her mind he could feel that she wanted it like he did, despite it all he wished it was more he wanted to feel her body next to his again, he should of known she had a vulnerability that she never showed she was tough but underneath it all it was there.

Watching the door close sitting on the lounge filling up her glass, she wished it had been different but it was over it would never of worked out, her resolved had nearly weakened a few times she needed to be strong not let her feelings get in the way for what she needed to do, it wouldn't work out he deserved someone better someone who wasn't her. .


	3. Chapter 3

**FIVE WEEKS EARLIER**

Running to the bathroom yet again, why was it each day she was feeling sick, the nauseous starting early in the day and hanging around, she could feel Leon's eyes on her the previous day when she ran to the bathroom, and here again today she was holding it back, she was tempted to stay at home today but felt fine when she woke up. Shaking her head grabbing her bag "I'm, on my mobile" tomorrow she will go to the doctor if she feels like it, a glass of wine and work from home exactly what she needed

…..

Watching Stella walk into the communications room "you coming to the pub Leon" nodding watching Stella look around "Has Kerry gone home" seeing Leon nod "yeah she left a couple of hours ago" showing surprise "I thought she lived here" turning around in his seat facing Stella "I think she is sick, she has been running to the bathroom, I think she has been throwing up" seeing Stella raise her eyes "it has been the past few days then she just left"

A smirk forming on her face no, a huge smile "is she moodier than normal" looking at Stella confused "she's just Kerry, why" leaning forward towards Leon "how long has she been throwing up for" seeing Leon's eyes upon her "tell me what you're thinking Stella" rolling her eyes at him "just answer it Leon" his eyes narrowing at her "just the past few days, she runs to the bathroom quite often" Leaning back on the seat a huge smile on her face "I think Kerry is pregnant" his eyes wide open shaking his head "nah, she doesn't want anymore kids" laughing at his comment "she mightn't but they are the classic symptoms seems our Kerry has been knocked up" thinking about it she is pretty sure she knows the answer to her question "does she have a boyfriend" looking at Stella she was pretty cluey but Kerry pregnant "I don't think so it had to be a one night stand or she has kept him hidden" her eyes wide at her thought "maybe she finally slept with Lawson, they have had something going between them" shaking his head "no she wouldn't go there" tilting his head to the side "would she?" shrugging at him she was pretty sure she would "scandal big time if it is"

….

Leaning back on the passenger seat going out with Lawson the team still one down, listening to Michael munching away on chips winding the window down moving her head towards it, seeing Lawson walking back with the cups of coffee handing one to Kerry, covering her mouth, turning to Lawson as he gets in the car "I won't be long" opening the door running to the side street before throwing up "shit" rubbing her hands across her what is it about the smell of food now banging her hands against the fence before leaving her head against it wiping her mouth and face before walking back to the car.

Seeing Lawson looking at her concern in his face "what was that about since when don't you like coffee? you ok" nodding "yeah its nothing" turning to look at Michael "do you ever stop eating?" seeing a smile on Lawson's face "he never stops" leaning back in the seat her eyes moving to the rearview mirror "its annoying" hearing his voice "Kerry I'm a growing man I need food to keep my energy levels up" raising her eyes at him "its junk Michael not food"

Looking at Lawson "when is lunch" closing her eyes the thought of food even making her stomach turn the idea of going out on the road for a day no longer seeing like a good idea.

Pulling up at the shops, Lawson turns to Kerry "want me to get you something" shaking her head not wanting to admit the thought of food making her feel sick "the greasy food you two eat would be enough to poison someone" opening the door and getting out of the car

A smile on Lawson's face as he watches Kerry walk away she was weirder and moodier than normal seeing her hand come up to her mouth damn this walking away from it all before throwing up again.

Walking back to the car can she actually continue with the shift hearing Leon's voice over the coms "A bank hold up in progress, Fitzroy Street, St Kilda Westpac bank, you're not too far away" turning to Kerry "you wanted to get out on the road more"

Pulling into Fitzroy Street hearing Leons voice "the offenders have left on foot you should see them in front of you now" opening the door, running down the street Kerry into her com "Josh how far away are you?" running down past the takeaway shops the familiar feeling "no no no" trying to push the feeling away watching as they get into a car "Leon Bravo Yankie Oscar 478 blue subaru Imprenza, Lawson where are you" trying to get her breathing under control before moving over to the fence throwing up hearing Josh's voice in the coms "we have the car ahead of us, heading South on St Kilda road"

Oooooooooooooooooooooooo

Walking into the communications room the following morning, she should of stayed in bed the familiar feeling walking in the smell of coffee and food "what's that smell Leon" turning around to face Kerry "my breakfast" scrunching up her nose taking deep breaths "it smells like stinky feet" swinging his chair around "oh that, I air my feet each morning" looking at him her eyes raised "are you serious" nodding at Kerry "I'm always serious Kerry you should know that, my shoes don't let them breath" bringing her hand up to her mouth "get rid of the smell, and put the shoes on Leon, tis disgusting" before hurrying out of the room.

Seeing Leon look at her after coming out of the bathroom again exasperation in her voice "what Leon" turning to face Kerry he was sure Stella was right now "anyone would think you were pregnant Kerry, isn't throwing up all the time a classic symptom of morning sickness". Her mouth slightly open for a while looking at Leon her eyes moving around " so is food poisoning and working with you Leon, I don't want any more kids, one is more than enough" a smile on his face "just because you don't want any more kids doesn't mean it won't happen, accidents do happen Kerry" her eyes glaring at Leon damn him the thought never crossed her mind or she didn't want it too "one will happen to you Leon if you don't shut up" tilting his head looking at her "moods are a sign of pregnancy too Kerry but in your case could be moodier" walking closer to him her voice low with warning "I am not pregnant, nor do I plan to get pregnant anytime in the near future or ever, so who ever has been feeding you this garbage, if you have nothing better to do than gossip I am sure I can find you something" shaking his head looking at Kerry "I was only trying to be helpful, if you ever have a boy, Leon is a good name" rolling her eyes at him putting her hand up to her mouth, damn him was this feeling of nauseous morning sickness seeing a smirk on his face "maybe you should take a pregnancy test just in case" wanting to throttle him she didn't know if it was for putting the thought there or for the fact it won't go away "the smell of your desk is enough to make anyone sick" a smile on his face facing her "there is nothing wrong with my desk, anyone we know " her eyes moving around the room "as if I would tell you that" the need to get out of there "I am not pregnant" saying it more to herself than Leon, no she wasn't she couldn't be.

Moving towards her cubicle turning around to face Leon his back to her typing away her eyes moving around her mouth open damn Leon he is wrong, the thought hadn't even entered her mind or was it she didn't want it too, sitting at her desk her eyes unable to focus Leon was wrong, looking at the calendar pulling it off the wall counting back the weeks, her eyes looking up and around shit it was 9 weeks ago that she slept with Lawson that they started their very brief what ever you would call it, she was late very very late shaking her head not wanting to think about it or believe it. Feeling the usual wave of nausea coming this time stronger, putting her hand to her mouth moving quietly towards the bathroom heaving into the bowl, she had even stopped eating breakfast and hardly any lunch yet she still couldn't stop the throwing up . Walking out of the toilet putting her hands on the bench, looking at the mirror her eyes staring back at her, rubbing her hand across her mouth her eyes moving around before opening wider damn Leon even joking the thoughts now there she didn't even take notice of how late she was, she didn't even notice that, why can't she get what Leon said out of her head no, she has to be wrong the reason there, throwing water over her face trying to remain calm and in control he was wrong.

Walking back out feeling Leon's eyes upon her "you ok Kerry, maybe you should go to a doctor" nodding at Leon walking over to her bag, she had to know she couldn't stay there any longer "I'll be on my mobile". Turning to watch Kerry hurry out of base "can I work your hours, I'll baby sit for you" seeing her not even turn around a smile on his face despite what she said he is now sure Stella was right.

Walking into the chemist one away from where she lived, walking along stopping staring at the packages picking it up it was like it was burning her hand staring at it the words written across the packaging as clear as day picking it up did she really want to know, wasn't it better not to know paying for it, now she needed to she needed to be back in control.

Walking inside dumping her stuff on the bench taking out her laptop, work always keeps her occupied, no matter how many times she looked at the screen she couldn't take it in, her eyes moving to the bench. Staring at the package was the uncertainity not knowing better, as soon as she takes it out her whole world would change she would know for sure it would become real and certain she wasn't sure she was ready for that, ready to become a mother again, maybe it was better not to know. Turning back to the computer who was she kidding she couldn't concentrate standing up staring her mind a whirlwind of thoughts maybe it was a false alarm nothing, maybe it was better knowing than ignoring and hoping it would go away.

Walking over to the bench picking it up holding it all she knew was once she did the test there was no turning back she would know for sure, deep down she knew the answer she just didn't want to admit it. Walking up the stairs into the bathroom opening the package taking the stick out rubbing her hands over her face, staring at the mirror she didn't want to be a mother again despite it all she couldn't ignore it she did need to know it was who she was.

Holding the stick in her hand her eyes staring at it, hoping against hope that it was wrong, she even did it again well 5 times but no the results are still the same the two lines appearing her hands on the vanity basin looking down wanting to scream this cannot be happening not now not ever. No matter how often she closed her eyes and reopened it still stared back at her the same tossing it roughly in the bin leaning her elbows on the vanity rubbing her hands down her face, shit how did she let this happen.

Walking down the stairs a short time later over to the counter seeing the bottle of red there pouring a glass, her eyes moving around the apartment sitting at the table opening up the computer what used to help her the words now a blur, why did she sleep with Lawson shit she was his superior his boss as much as he hated to admit it she was the one in charge of Tactical Response, taking a deep breath it all could be wrong, taking big sips of wine she will wait until the doctors tomorrow, those things can be wrong can't they?

…..

Looking at the doctor she wasn't surprised she had hoped the test was wrong but she knew all the signs it didn't take long for her to tell her "congratulations" why did she think it was fantastic news the look on her face said it wasn't, shaking her head "no it isn't ….. I've had my kid …. ages ago." She didn't think it was fantastic but how could she explain that she wished she felt like that but didn't she didn't want to be a mother again, she was already a shit one. Hearing the doctor then say "what are you going to do" it hit her what was she going to do, could she actually have an abortion shaking her head her eyes down "I don't know ….." staring straight ahead her eyes slightly down "this wasn't how my life was meant to be" then looking up slightly "not now" closing her eyes trying to take it all in hearing the doctor say "life's plans don't always work out" getting up of the seat she has to get out of there she has said too much already. Getting up off the seat the doctor handed her some leaflets as she mumbles "I'm sorry" walking out her world had been turned upside down she knew who the father was, Lawson, she had hoped all night that the test was wrong, that it wasn't true, there was no denying it now, she was pregnant and she didn't want any more kids not now not ever.

Sitting in the car her hands stuck to the steering wheel unable to move, she also knew she could never tell him, how was she going to hide the fact she was pregnant if she kept the baby, Lawson was smart enough to know 9 months after they slept together she gives birth, how would she hide it from everyone. Would he be happy about it why did that matter, they weren't even together, all they had was a fucking one night stand 8 weeks ago, a drunken ok two night stand she had been in love with him, but they couldn't be together not now not ever. Banging the steering wheel "shit shit shit" this was not meant to happen not now not ever. Putting her hand to her stomach she was pregnant, 43 single and pregnant. Hearing her phone ring, looking down at it her voice filled with anger and frustration "what is it Leon?" "I'm fine Leon, I'm taking the rest of the day off".


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you for the reviews and reading it

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo

Walking inside the apartment tossing her bag down, grabbing the glass and bottle of wine, sitting on the lounge, pouring the wine the glass in her hand staring at it would one glass of wine hurt, the fact there she was pregnant and if she went through with it, she would have to give up so much. She needed the drink to calm her nerves why did she let it happen, why did she sleep with Lawson this wasn't how her life was meant to be, she was a shit mum James had told her that so many times. She didn't want any more kids she told Leon that not long ago "one is quite enough" she meant it then she didn't want anymore she had her career and she was good at it. Rubbing her hand across her face she had no idea what she was going to do, the only thing she knew for sure was that no one was going to find out that she was pregnant especially Lawson she would leave tactical response if she had to, shaking her head why was she talking like she was keeping it, she didn't want it, why was the niggling though there that maybe she could be a better mother now, no she had her career a career that she had built up to be where she was today. Part of her wanted to talk to someone about it but she couldn't tell anyone if she did it would be come real, not talking about it or letting anyone know she could deny what was happening deep down she knew she couldn't for long, how long could she hide it, the morning sickness was there Leon , damn him he was the reason it would only be a matter of time before she started showing, then the talk would start. She would prefer to forget this was happening, the baby didn't exist it was real and no denying it would make it go away.

Sitting in the bathroom on the chair the day at work over seeing Leon watching every move she made the glares she gave him was this what it was going be to like now, staring at the sink before her eyes move down to her hands looking at the stick and the results she was given, what was she hoping for it to be negative, she had already done so many of them and the doctor confirmed it, did she think they were all wrong is that why she did another one in the hope that one might come up negative saying she wasn't pregnant that the doctor and 6 other ones were all wrong. Putting her head on her hands her elbow on her knees she wanted this not to happen not to even think about it hearing the door open she looks up seeing Lawson coming in a sad smile on her face quickly hiding what is in her hand "don't you know how to knock"

Looking at Kerry concerned "didn't know I had to when I wanted to use the bathroom" lifting her head up she had no idea what she was saying "what". Looking at Kerry concern on his face she hadn't been herself "you ok"

Nodding at Lawson her voice soft "my life is messed and so fucked up" looking at Kerry wondering what was going on with her reaching out touching her arm "it can't be that bad Kerry" saying too much picking up her bag leaving she didn't want to be pregnant she wanted her life back to be in control.

Watching Kerry walk out worry on his face this wasn't the Kerry he knew something was bothering her and he was going to find out how to help her.

OOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo

Walking away from the bathroom again how long could she hide it the morning sickness easing but only slightly, coming back from the bathroom seeing Leon's eyes upon her, her voice with warning "not a word Leon".

Watching Kerry walking towards her cubicle again, back at work there was something about her an edge to her seeing her eyes narrow as he turned to look at her putting his arms up "I didn't' say a word … but throwing up all the time" banging her desk her voice loud with meaning "Leon ….. do you like your balls where they are " looking at Kerry she seems pale "I didn't say you were pregnant this time but if you ask me" interrupting him walking closer her voice low her eyes staring into his not moving "I didn't ask you, if you want to stay in this squad instead of somewhere like Bourke then do some work for a change" then moving away from him "who said I was throwing up all the time" turning to face the screen his voice low but still audible "I still think you are pregnant" walking close to him standing in front of him leaning over "I am NOT pregnant what I AM is sick and tired of going through this with you. No watching or counting how many times I go to the bathroom, when I leave, what time I leave. The matter is now closed and if you bring it up again, I will issue you with a warning or fire you."

Watching Kerry's retreating back more to himself "oooookay" a smile on his face no matter how often she denied it he was now sure.

Walking back to her cubicle, glancing at Leon if he had guessed who else would know and find out, rubbing her hands over her eyes, she didn't want the gossip about her, she didn't want anyone knowing, she was trying to come to terms of it herself without anyone else's input or help, trying to decide what to do. For the moment her life felt out of her control, it wasn't planned it wasn't meant to happen yet here she was pregnant and it was taking everything trying to get her head around that and as much as she wanted to deny it the fact was it wouldn't disappear on its own no matter how hard she wanted it to it was her problem to deal with. Even work wasn't helping the screen was a blur as much as she tried to concentrate she just couldn't how long would it be before she showed, how long did she have to have an abortion would she be able to live with the fact that she killed her baby shaking her head. Getting out of the cubicle turning to Leon "I'll be back shortly" turning to look at Kerry "I'm sorry Kerry, I was only joking and worried that something is wrong" turning to face Leon, what was she meant to say that it was true that what he said started all of this her voice firm "I'm fine Leon" watching as she walked out for some reason he couldn't imagine her pregnant but the more she denied it the more he believed it was true.

**TWO WEEKS EARLIER **

Looking around the clinic could she do it could she have an abortion, she knew how many weeks/months she was that part wasn't hard. Filling in the form handing it back to the receptionist looking around, sitting down her eyes moving around she felt like the odd one out so many others there in there early twenties late teens, that was her 22 years ago, young no idea what she was getting herself into, no help much from James father even much older she wasn't able to give this baby what it needed.

Handing the forms back walking inside the room, why did she have to have an ultrasound, some shit about her age another reason it was so wrong. Lying on the bed her eyes staring up at the ceiling moving around she didn't want to look at the machine or anything she just wanted this nightmare over.

Watching the doctor walk in a smile on her face her voice cheery she can see her eyes looking around the room answering the question that isn't spoken "its just me" nodding "did they explain what we are looking for today" nodding at the doctor she didn't even want to be here her face showing no emotion "just do the scan" hearing her voice still cheery making conversation "do you already have kids" nodding at her did she not understand that she didn't want to talk, it was just easier to answer her "I have a 22 year old" she didn't want to talk in fact she really didn't want to be there, it was only because the clinic made her go "do you want to find out the sex" looking at the screen she didn't even think of that shaking her head "no" it was easier that way if she didn't know the sex it wasn't as real to know if she was having a son or daughter. Hearing a noise looking up at the doctor confused "what's that" seeing the doctor look at her a smile on her face "your baby has a a nice strong heartbeat" she could hear it glancing at the screen seeing the doctor look at her pointing to the screen part of her can't turn away despite it all, it was her baby on the screen a small smile coming to her face her tongue moving around her lips moving her eyes away it isn't long before they are drawn back to the machine. .

Seeing her move the ultrasound away smiling at her "everything is normal and fine, you are just over twelve weeks along" nodding she knew that the last time she had sex before Lawson was with Geoffrey and that was ages ago, why did she feel slight relief that everything was normal if it wasn't, would that of been better, would it mean that she could have had an abortion, why did she have conflicting emotions looking at the doctor "is that all" seeing her look at her why was it everyone expected her to be happy about it "you need to come back in a month's time". Pulling her shirt down how long would it be before her clothes wouldn't even fit how long could she hide it from everyone. Nodding looking at the doctor confused "why?".

Looking at the person in front of her, she was different to most who came, it was like she didn't want to be pregnant or have a baby like she was trying to distance herself from it all but not succeeding, normally they get relief after being told scared at first looking at her " there is nothing wrong with your baby they are going to be alright, you're not alone having a baby older if that is what your worried about, it is just routine to ensure everything is progressing smoothly" looking at the doctor "what is the" can she actually say it clearing her head no she needs to know could she actually have an abortion kill the life growing inside of her it wasn't his/her fault this was happening shaking her head "it doesn't matter"

Looking at Kerry she could tell something wasn't right but never suspected this "your baby has nothing wrong with it" seeing her eyes boring through hers the intensity in them "there can be complications with the birth but your baby has shown there is nothing wrong it is a healthy baby" her eyes moving away "that's not …. thanks" walking to the door turning to look at the doctor "this wasn't meant to happen, I'm not ready and don't want to be a mother again" shaking her head saying too much walking out shit bloody hormones. Hearing her name called out turning to see the doctor "in case you change your mind, here is the DVD"

Walking inside the apartment the DVD burning a hole in her hand holding it above the garbage bin , before putting it on the bench, needing to keep occupied taking out her computer, her mind wandering back to the clinic, staring at the DVD on the bench, the moment she heard the heartbeat so loud and strong it was at that moment it became so real, up to then she didn't want to believe it she thought she could have an abortion it was her body she felt fear, the unknown she was out of her depth and not in control and she was scared as it wasn't something that could be fixed easily.

…..

Watching Kerry walk in, it had been a few weeks since her talk to Leon she was still sure that she was right, Kerry kept vanishing leaving base early, coming in late she wondered if Lawson had even noticed what was going on or even knew, she hadn't said anything yet. Looking at Kerry her stomach she had a great figure her stomach trim and taunt she had noticed the past few days that she no longer wore her leather jacket calling out "change of clothing Kerry, your jacket no longer fitting you?" seeing Kerry's face showing shock for the briefest second before being replaced by showing nothing no it was replaced by a look that she knew.

Looking up at the Constable her eyes showing shock very briefly shit, what did Stella know the fact was she didn't want anyone guessing and she was paranoid that someone would see even the slightest bump not that she was showing that she stopped wearing her jacket. "shouldn't you be out on the road by now Stella" shrugging maybe but she had to fill in time "waiting for Lawson, any idea why he is taking so long?" looking at Stella she was sure she knew something or was trying to find out "something on your mind Stella" shaking her head yes there was but she was sure Kerry wouldn't say anything, unless she could get a small reaction out of her "not really….leather jackets are not really in, maybe in 9 months of so they might be" her face not betraying what she was thinking but determined to stop the constable, walking closer to her, her voice firm her eyes boring into hers "good if you have nothing to do whilst waiting, I'm sure I can find you something" shaking her head she was sure she had her rattled slightly and was right "I'm fine, I'll find out why Lawson is taking so long" her eyes on Stella not moving "yeah, you do that"

Walking towards her cubicle she should of known that Stella of all people would be the one, she knew exactly who would of told her too, her shoes echoing against the floor she was going to kill Leon, dropping her bag onto the desk, standing at the door watching Leon's feet up on the desk food next to him, walking around standing in front of him her hand slamming the desk, her eyes boring into his seeing him squirm on his seat leaning down closer to him her hands on the desk moving them to the edge of it "do you like your job here" nodding at Kerry trying to move away from her, he hadn't seen her like this much "one more word to anyone from you and believe me I will find out, you will be out of here so fast" looking at Kerry, damn Stella what did she say "I don't know what you mean … who to" not moving from the desk her voice warning "Leon… do not play me and anymore out of you, you will be fired" watching Kerry move away, nodding at Kerry he had stopped but he had forgotten to tell Stella "sorry Kerry, it won't happen again" walking towards her cubicle "consider this an official warning Leon, anything more from you and you will be out of this squad" his mouth open was she serious watching as she walked away.

Driving around in TR1 with Lawson she wondered if he knew anything glancing at him "any idea why Kerry is taking so much time off lately" his eyes ahead not looking at Stella "she's at work each day" glancing at Lawson "yeah with very flexible hours, if we worked her hours she would be on our back". His eyes on the road he wondered if there was something going on, she did seem to be leaving work earlier some days. "maybe she has a boyfriend and a life now" glancing at Lawson wondering if he would show a reaction, was it he that Kerry went out with or going out with, she doubts either of them would give it away. Glancing at the Constable "Stella, Kerry's life is none of your business" his eyes looking out the window was there something going on with her.

Hearing Lawson's voice "Kerry" looking up at him, waiting by her car "yeah" seeing him walking closer to her "is everything ok" rolling her eyes at him "I'm fine Lawson" touching her arm watching her move it away "it is just you are leaving early, arriving late" rolling her eyes at him "Shit Lawson, why does it matter, I've left here early a few times, I've had to go to meetings and stuff, next time I will make sure that everyone knows what I'm doing and be here on time and leave later, is that all" closing the door looking up at him, could she ever tell him that she was pregnant to him, she was still struggling to come to terms with it and keeping the baby, she didn't' want to think about telling him or having him find out, she knew she would have to one day if she went through with it, but for the time being she was trying to understand and come to terms with it all herself, she wasn't used to not being in control and she wasn't she was far from it, her hormones taking over and the morning sickness easing but still there "I'll see you tomorrow"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Pulling on her jeans, looking in the mirror she could already see the slight bulge in her stomach, she was already showing her breasts already larger her clothes just fitting already becoming tight, how much longer could she keep the secret her shirts mostly buttoned up at the front only just fitting, wearing a vest or cardigan her leather jacket not hiding anything leaning against the dressing table her hands on it looking in the mirror rubbing her hands across her face the fear of people finding out, she didn't want the baby but she couldn't bring herself to have an abortion it wasn't the babies fault she didn't want it, or was it deep down she did want it, looking at her stomach how long before Lawson guessed or asked questions what would his reaction been, shit they only went out for a few weeks, why was it that was all it took one stupid weekend of passion without being careful for this to happen, she thought she was too old, that she wouldn't get pregnant blinking back the tears her life was so messed up putting her hand on her stomach her was a life growing inside of her, was this a chance to show she could be a mother moving back looking at the mirror how much longer could she hide the fact she was pregnant she needed new clothes the rate she was going everyone would know soon and that thought scared her more than she liked could she actually tell Lawson that he was the father what would happen if the team found out, she dealt with everything herself that was the way she liked it and wanted it kept.


End file.
